Learning love from Love; A chat with Oloruntobaa

7 minutes read

Love is pure. I don’t know that there is anything else that aptly describes love, other than it is pure. In a study plan I followed, I may have seen a close second. It stated simply that LOVE IS. That is, love is, full stop. Love is sufficient in itself. It does not change based on circumstances, it is not dependent on the recipient, it does not thrive on reciprocity, it simply is.

I've had a lot of questions for the Holy Spirit during this study, just because there is a lot of things I consider 'difficult' flowing from the Biblical standard for love. Love keeps no record of wrongs? Love never gives up? What if I have tried and tried to love a person but they keep refusing my love, or worse still, they take advantage and treat me badly. Doesn't it become smart to walk away then? I've learned that I've been asking some wrong questions, but this is not the time or place for this, I hope you'd be at our interactive session on Saturday 31st October, so we can discuss some of these.

Right now, I'd like to share a conversation I had with a friend on the subject matter. To me, he is Pastor Toba, to you, he is Oloruntobaa, or as he likes to call himself, your friendly neighbor. Interest sparked to have a conversation with him when he shared with me how he took a couple of years off dating for the purpose of learning the right way to love. In his words, 'I knew something was wrong with the way I saw her, I knew that with the way it was, I wasn't going to be in it for the long run'. I hope you enjoy the read.

I wanted to know what he would describe love as, and to that he responded, 'In my opinion really, love is an embodiment of who God is. It’s how I know that my life matters and it has meaning and it is what teaches me how to be in relationships. Treating people right is an extension of the love I feel from God'.

Host: Is there a difference between love and passion?

Oloruntobaa: If you put this in perspective, love and passion are far apart. Love has its very origin in God, passion doesn’t necessarily have to be from God. Love is always positive, anything outside that is not love; passion will only take the form of the deepest thoughts of its bearer. In other words, love changes a person while passion amplifies what’s already in the person.

Host: Please explain love changes a person while passion amplifies what’s already in a person

Oloruntobaa: In the purest form of love, the God kind of love, it’s potential is to make things better (this is why I believe a relationship should change you for the better, if not, don’t be there). So a healthy love relationship should make both parties better. That’s why Jesus can come into the life of a complete wreck and make them the most wholesome.

Passion on the other hand doesn’t bring anything to the table other than what’s already there. Passion can enhance love or corrupt it, depending on what already exists in the heart of the person. If someone treats you right, you’ll fall passionately in love with them over time but that’s if you have love in your heart. If you’re insecure and lack self esteem, you’ll shut out and reject the love

Host: What would you say is the place of love and passion in a godly dating relationship?

Oloruntobaa: Aahhh

Too important oo. Too important because most of the so called godly relationships have too many troubles emanating from deep insecurities and lack of judgement.

So let’s start from what a “godly relationship” really is, or better still, what it is not.

Truthfully Dolapo, a godly relationship is not just about praying together and going to church, those are there but those are really basic. Ask yourself this, apart from purity, what differentiates a godly relationship and a worldly one? 

Why do other relationships thrive and some of our church people are having issues?

The simple answer is that most of us don’t understand this basic concept of loving someone passionately, we don’t want to give up ourselves for the other person and as for as we can’t do that, we won’t enjoy this thing. 

Love is the top, passion comes somewhere below it.

Host: I’m reading a book that describes passion as the icing on the cake. Love being the cake (Side note: The book is 'When God writes your love story' by Eric and Leslie Ludy)

Oloruntobaa: Too accurate.

Here's a letter to The Struggling Christian

Host: Would you agree that physical intimacy is an outflow of loving passionately?

Oloruntobaa: This is dicey 😂 This one will put me in trouble. 

In the long run, physical intimacy will be one of the expressions of passionate love and as a matter of fact it is very important. Carry out your findings, any relationship that has exceeded two or three years will have a more difficult time resisting sex because their intimacy has to be consummated physically (marriage).

(Side note, find extensive discussions on Waiting and Dating on our interaction page here)

On the other hand, the desire for this physical intimacy is not a proof of love. One of them might just want to knack and move on.

Host: So how do you propose a godly couple deal with passion / physical intimacy?

Oloruntobaa: 

1. Set boundaries, adhere to them.

2. Pray together genuinely, ask God to help keep your urges in check.

3. Be sincere with yourself and each other about your cravings and fantasies (everyone has them)

4. Practically, avoid alone times and moody environment. 

5. Do your best to get married as soon as possible.

Host: Do you always have the feelings that come with love? Those feelings, all the chemical reactions, and the high, that comes with being in love with a person, do you always feel them?

Oloruntobaa: NO!!!!!!!!!!!

On some days, you don’t want to be dating sef but that’s when the commitment of love comes in.

Host: Love never fails. Perhaps last question; how do you love when you don’t feel like it? Say you’re in a disagreement, and you’re upset.

Oloruntobaa: This is usually a tricky thing to do because you think it’s a conflict between you and your partner but it’s really a conflict between your heart and your mind.

The way to keep loving when you don’t feel it is to first get rid of what took the place of the love (in this case, the conflict). Settle all disputes as quickly as possible. Always remember that the relationship is more important than being right. 

On days when you feel the most love, when the adrenaline is high, remind yourself that it won’t always be like that so you can store some for rainy days.

Host: Sorry, that wasn’t the last question (LOL). You mentioned something to me once about taking time off dating to learn love the right way. Please tell me about that. What inspired it, how did you learn and what did you learn? 

Oloruntobaa: So this was a decision I made after I dated someone and we just wrecked each other’s emotions, hers especially. 

At the back of my mind, I knew that it is possible to have the most blissful relationship, I saw it with my parents. So I ended things and decided to take time to learn what really makes it work, how possible it is for it to last and one of the things I learned was that I shouldn’t date without a purpose anymore (marriage) so I wasn’t going to date if I didn’t have the foresight to marry in 3 years max. Hence, where I am now.

Some of the other things I learned are in the answers above.

Host: Did you do anything intentionally to learn? Maybe read books, listen to messages, attend seminars, stuff like that, or was it all passive?

Oloruntobaa: Ahh I did o, a lot sef.

The most was books and messages, I’m not so much a seminar person, I like to personalize learning and experiences. So books and messages.

Growth is not passive, it is intentional.

With this our conversation came to an end, but I showed him the picture below, and asked what he thought of it, and I'd love to get your opinion of it in the comment section as well.

Read this - Love even as I have loved you

Oloruntobaa: This is very relative sha but it’s true, let me just say that

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Sometimes though, you go chop foolishness as dinner just to save the relationship. 

… and with that, he walked away. 

And my reaction was, 'Lovvveeee itttt!'

I hope you gained a thing or two on the subject of 'Love', as usual, I look forward to discussing further with you, please be present at our monthly interactive session here.

If you'd love to hear more of Oloruntobaa's wits, click here to listen in on his podcasts. And if you'd be willing to talk with me on all things relationships, I'd be delighted to talk. You can reach me here.

Till next time, stay thriving and trusting! And don't forget to #EndSARS #EndSWAT. Pray. Protest, Provide. Post.